How About Transferring Israel to Iran?

Seyed Ibrahim Nabavi, Rooz Online: A satire

Now that Iran’s president has proposed that the Jews be transferred to Germany or Austria by the Europeans, and the Europeans don’t seem to have the space for the 6 million people living in Israel, I would like to propose that the Jewish people be moved to and settled in Iran and an independent state of Israel be established by the Israeli government around the Iranian province of Isfahan. I have plenty of convincing reasons for the success of this proposal, which I hope will be taken seriously. Read my reasons.

First

The Iranian government thinks about Palestine more than any other state in the world. Even Palestinians themselves do not think about solving the Israeli-Palestinian problem as much as Iranians do! And it is precisely because of our sympathy that we in Iran spend about 30 percent of our annual budget on helping Palestine, Lebanon, Syria and others so they can continue fighting Israel. If the Jews transferred Israel to Iran, the cost of living in Iran would be far less than the price we are now paying to destroy Israel. We can give parts of the Isfahan province, which has had a Jewish population for thousands of years, to the Jewish people of Israel so they can live there in peace and happiness.

Second

We annually spend billions of dollars on arms and the military to prepare ourselves to destroy Israel. Even our animosity with the US is because of Israel. Transferring the Jews of Israel to Iran would even solve our biggest foreign policy headache. If the transfer were to take place the Palestinians, Lebanese and the Muslims at large would be happy that we returned Palestine to them. Furthermore, our relations with Europe and the US would improve too. And finally, we would not be afraid of Israel any longer because Israelis would be our fellow-nationals then.

Third

Currently there are 6,200,000 inhabitants in Israel, which is just a third of the population of Tehran alone. So, the addition of the population of Israel to Iran would not create any problems for Iran. This is more so because even though Iran currently has a population of 73 million people, the Minister of Interior of Iran says that it has issued 90 million identity cards to Iranians! So in our calculations and census, there is always a 30 million miscount. In this picture, adding another 6 million people does not make a difference to anything. Furthermore, the 6 million new inhabitants would not even affect the elections process or their outcome in Iran because when 30 million fake votes did not impact them, it is safe to assume that 6 million new ones would not either.

Fourth

We know that Iranian immigrants in Israel constitute an important community in Israel. So if Israeli Jews were to come to Iran, these Iranian Jews could be excellent links with Israeli Jews and improve our relations. Furthermore, the president of Israel is currently Iranian born. So even Moshe Ghasab (ghasab means butcher in Persian) the current president of Israel could remain president of Israel in Iran. Through this plan, by moving Israel to Iran not only would the issue of Israel be resolved, but many Iranian Jews now living in Europe and the United States too could safely return to Iran. This would bring Iran plenty of cash and money, and Jewish businessmen could then engage in any kind of business without the fear of being taxed or other monetary controls.

Fifth

I think the only people other than Iranians who have so many problems with the Arabs are the Jews of Israel. In fact Iranians and Israelis have similar views on the Arabs. On the other hand, Iranians in general have no problems with the Jews. One should not that the problem the Iranian government has with the Jews is because of the state of Israel. So if Israel becomes part of Iran, the Jewish problem will be resolved as well. And if this were to happen, then with the help of our beloved Jews we could even fight our historic enemies, who are none other than the Arabs.

Sixth

Transferring Israel to Iran is also a good thing for the Hizbullahis and other Iranian doctrinaire moralists, just as it is for Israeli moralists and ideologues. This is because the only other nation that is as sensitive about moral issues, the hijab, fighting corruption, etc as Iranians are the conservative Jews of Israel. I think if they come to Iran, they will not have any issues with the compulsory hijab, the ban on alcohol and the moral restrictions that currently exist in the Islamic Republic. The only problem that may come up of course is that the Iranian and Israeli fundamentalists may join hands and pressure secular Iranians or those with moderate views.

Seventh

Historically, the Jews have lived in Iran longer than they have in Jerusalem. So there is a good historical basis for the move.

Eight

One of the problems the Jews have is over the Al-Aqsa mosque. But since Iranian cities are full of Al-Aqsa mosques - in fact one at every square circle in every town - we could give them a few Al-Aqsa mosques and thus take care of this problem as well.

Ninth

The biggest problem Israel has is the shortage of land. Conversely, the only problem that Iran does not have is a shortage of land. Take a look: Iran is a large country with lots of uninhabitable land. And to make the transfer final, if we used the total amount of money that the governments of Israel and Iran annually spend on fighting each other to buy land, we could buy plenty of real estate between the towns of Isfahan and Yazd and settle the six million Jews there. Voila!

Tenth

I think this problem will solve the largest chunk of the Middles and even world problems. But after implementation even if the proposal did not solve any problems and we developed unforeseen problems with the Israelis in Iran, then we can always then fight out each other at home. A war at such close range is better for Iran and Israel anyway because we would then not need all these nuclear weapons or long-range missiles. We could fight each other with mere artillery and tanks, thus reducing our military expenditures. And finally, such a war would not even create any headaches for others.

Very funny stuff!!!