Iran Years from Nuke, U.N. Decades from Action

Scott Ott, Scrapple Face: a bit of Satire

(2006-01-13) — Although Iran’s nuclear weapons engineers could take years to deploy a working missile, experts agree they could do so, “even if they weren’t really trying”, before the United Nations could deploy an enforceable resolution to halt Iran’s nuclear ambitions.

“The U.N. is still in the early stages of developing effective diplomatic measures,” said an unnamed U.N. spokesman, “We have the rudiments of the technology. We gather. We enjoy fine food and wine. We talk. We write. We dress well. But it will take a long time to agree upon a Security Council resolution condemning Iran. And only then does the 12-year enforcement clock start ticking.”

According to the most recent estimates, by the time the U.N. decides to enforce any resolution, the Iranian Council of Guardians — composed of Muslim clerics and legal scholars — will have a panel of glowing red buttons before them labeled Jerusalem, Paris, London, Berlin, Washington D.C., Moscow, Beijing and U.N. HQ.

U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan urged Europe, the U.S. and Israel to have patience with Iran, calling the likelihood of a nuclear missile launch from the Islamic republic, “remote…a one-in-a-dozen chance.”

“But if we impose sanctions, like cutting off Iran’s foreign oil sales,” Mr. Annan said, “It will just drive up the cost of gas at the pump, and we all know what a political bombshell that can be.”